Feel Me
departures
it is not that i went places
deserving me insane
no drug, nor love nor any disease
justly caused me this much pain
a grown woman
searching my inner child
continues to battle
these demons gone wild
no blame do i dribble
or fault can i wear
broken, beaten and done
no choices should i bear
a victim to the wise
i do not believe
nor surrender by admission
my heart i did deceive
the student i am playing
creates such an urge to shout
feeding my loneliness
continuing my world of self doubt
i know i hurt all whom i have loved
in attempting to try over again
it was i who selfishly sought
approval desperately from them
today once again
i ache to give in
avoiding tomorrow
to crawl outside of my own skin
grateful to have had
more than i could have dreamed
although never felt quite worthy
assumed i was just lucky it seemed
in all of my efforts
i failed ones soul the worst
cannot be fixed or ever be the same
it was then my escape came first
i would nod as you talked
with respect in each word
now i must openly confess
there was not a thing i had heard
how does one leave
when i know it is my mate
and can’t hurt them again
are amends just too late?
i know without doubt
how deeply i am wanted
why then incapable
in facing you, i am haunted
from social to hermit
and gifted to sad
choices i do own
slowly turned bad
i know my departure
is a fear of loss
that someone will not like me
now lost with no defined cause
deep inside my being
i don’t want to again climb
to endless commitments
in shock of what i leave behind
my gifts are endless
the blood line i do share
and many others who have held me
it still hurts that they cared
inconsistent at best
chaos in each move
so desperate to exit
left nothing to prove
maybe it’s true
i gave into my past
but could you face this
results do painfully last
poor, alone, aging so quickly
sad with boredom’s belief
tired now almost a decade
i’m half gone with no relief
i do, do, do do hear your
i know i truly don’t hold onto
new beginnings, fresh starts and different things
as i have lived every desired part
in all that my dreams did bring
now benched in a park
inking for a sign
knowing i am sure
this fate is mine
it’s colder and darkening
time here stands still and near
no game left to play with
and incapable to hear
i just can’t accept
there’s freedom from shame
despite what i have heard
in others that will name
i for awhile
will continue to smile
habitual my own coping
i only know one style
i must face the truth
my way no longer works
terrified of failure
for me
it is not that i went places
deserving me insane
no drug, nor love nor any disease
justly caused me this much pain
a grown woman
searching my inner child
continues to battle
these demons gone wild
no blame do i dribble
or fault can i wear
broken, beaten and done
no choices should i bear
a victim to the wise
i do not believe
nor surrender by admission
my heart i did deceive
the student i am playing
creates such an urge to shout
feeding my loneliness
continuing my world of self doubt
i know i hurt all whom i have loved
in attempting to try over again
it was i who selfishly sought
approval desperately from them
today once again
i ache to give in
avoiding tomorrow
to crawl outside of my own skin
grateful to have had
more than i could have dreamed
although never felt quite worthy
assumed i was just lucky it seemed
in all of my efforts
i failed ones soul the worst
cannot be fixed or ever be the same
it was then my escape came first
i would nod as you talked
with respect in each word
now i must openly confess
there was not a thing i had heard
how does one leave
when i know it is my mate
and can’t hurt them again
are amends just too late?
i know without doubt
how deeply i am wanted
why then incapable
in facing you, i am haunted
from social to hermit
and gifted to sad
choices i do own
slowly turned bad
i know my departure
is a fear of loss
that someone will not like me
now lost with no defined cause
deep inside my being
i don’t want to again climb
to endless commitments
in shock of what i leave behind
my gifts are endless
the blood line i do share
and many others who have held me
it still hurts that they cared
inconsistent at best
chaos in each move
so desperate to exit
left nothing to prove
maybe it’s true
i gave into my past
but could you face this
results do painfully last
poor, alone, aging so quickly
sad with boredom’s belief
tired now almost a decade
i’m half gone with no relief
i do, do, do do hear your
i know i truly don’t hold onto
new beginnings, fresh starts and different things
as i have lived every desired part
in all that my dreams did bring
now benched in a park
inking for a sign
knowing i am sure
this fate is mine
it’s colder and darkening
time here stands still and near
no game left to play with
and incapable to hear
i just can’t accept
there’s freedom from shame
despite what i have heard
in others that will name
i for awhile
will continue to smile
habitual my own coping
i only know one style
i must face the truth
my way no longer works
terrified of failure
for me
